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2007-01-29 - 12:41 a.m. if for just a little bit of bravery I don't recommend cruising as a means of travel. I have a tan, which of course is peeling. There were crappy bands on the cruise & boring cruisemates. My favorite was the Croatian bartender & some random 18-year-old kid who was sewing a bag. He hated his mom, who he was with, because she is a liar & a manipulator. He was going to move away with his friends and start an organic farm in Michigan. In a couple of months. I said he was brave & he said there's nothing to be scared of. He wasn't scared of starving to death, nothing. I believed him because he believed it truly. I'm tired of feeling scared about all the "what if" crap in my brain. Instead of being happy about what is. And tired of being scared of people's reactions to what I have to say. I've got nothing earth-shattering to say, but still, things that need to be said, if for nothing else than the sake of saying them out loud. Ehn ehn always. Maybe the entire final season of S!x Feet Und3er I watched this weekend have me in a funk. Heck, I'm in a funk mostly. I just occupy every possible moment doing something pretending I'm not. Going out too much still, too much booze. And when the truth comes out, I pretend it's just because of the drink. Things I know are true: I need to go to the gym. I will not have a nervous breakdown in the car like I did last time. It's just bidness. My job hurts my soul. Spending 40 hours a week with a tight chest and starting smoking during the day again are not what I want in a job. I think I've learned some things about what I want and had a reality check about who and what can help me have them. And that's it. This last year, year and a half has been more tumultuous than I'm ready do believe. It's the little things. Like today I saw a redonk trained cat show. And tomorrow LP & I go see Em Ward. Should be super. Soldier on. made by: sundaygirl |
